An open letter to … my Self
Dear Self,
I know things are going a bit rough for you. Life sucks a lot right now but chin up! You are strong. You can get through all of this. People out there love you, a lot. Even though you may feel really lonely right now, you aren’t alone. You have your friends, your family and of course, God. He never is far from you, even when you stray way off course.
Have you ever noticed, Self – that when you completely submit yourself to God, that things start to work out? Your prayers become answered. When you feel tested and pass, you are rewarded. Sometimes when you shout out and you hear no response, you feel no one is listening. But, someone is. Someone always is.
Stay strong, my girl. You have maintained your integrity through the entire process. You never strayed from your spouse. You served him in every way that a wife was expected to – and more. You kept your dignity. You kept your values. You kept your word.
Yes, you have a broken heart. Someone betrayed your trust. Someone whom you considered to be your very best friend in the entire world. One of the few people, whom you would sacrifice your life for… someone you would die for.
But in the end, he lied. Constantly. And even though it’s over, he still lies. But this is not your fault. And it is not the fault of war and tainted humanity. No, it is his fault. He has made wrong choices. And he continues to make wrong choices. He is damaged – yes – but the actions he makes right now, are not a result of the hurt he endured. They are a result of someone who does not wish to be healed and who is on a path of self-destruction. Do not cover for him anymore. Do not be his little helper anymore and allow him to implode. It is time he becomes accountable. It is not your job to be punished for his actions.
You deserve more than that, my girl. You do. You may not feel it. You may not feel worthwhile but you are a beautiful young woman who has a heart of gold. Sometimes you must secure your gold, though. Learn to keep your eyes and your ears open and most of all, your heart. You must use your heart to discern along with your mind. Together they will protect you. Discerning is to learn how to use the wisdom of God to interpret what you’re going through. Use this tool… it’s so important. And once you learn this beautiful skill – and how to use it – you will really start to enjoy life again.
My beautiful, beautiful Self. You may be overweight. That’s okay. You’re doing something about it. You have used your weight to hide things over the years. But, here’s a secret. No amount of weight will hide the bad things. You must instead, use your body for strength again. You remember how to do that, don’t you? Don’t you remember how you would bike for hours? And swim a thousand metres in your sleep? And how you would hike up the hill of death over and over? Don’t you remember your nice, strong legs? Big they were but solid muscle. They never let you down. Don’t let them down. They miss you. They are still there and want to help you run again. And swim again. And do all those things you have put off doing, for so long. Before you lacked strength emotionally. You were timid and afraid. You were shy. And then a shift happened and no longer were you shy but you no longer had the body that would exude what your mind was capable of. You are a smart girl. You can have both. You must use that strong mind of yours and start working towards your ultimate body, mind and spirit! The strong body, the strong mind, and the strong spirit. You can have all three, I promise you.
You are intelligent. You managed to get through school pretty well. You graduated journalism with a 3.4 GPA. You graduated multimedia with a GPA of 4.0 Honours, one of a few to do so. You graduated university despite never thinking you were smart enough for that. You graduated with a 76%. That was pretty good considering what you were going through at the time. You took it a step further and became a teacher! A teacher! You graduated with a mark in the 80’s! Good on you, my dear. But you always knew it wasn’t about the marks, right? Of course you did. It had nothing to do with the marks. It had to do with proving yourself to those who put you down. Do you remember that grade 3 teacher you had, that called you Retarded? You can now officially tell her to stuff it! Do you remember your friends who had high 90s in high-school? And you barely pulled a B? You already knew marks weren’t the end-all, be-all. You had your eye on the big picture already. When you were in grade 3, you were looking ahead to grade 6. When you were in grade 6, you were looking toward high-school. When you were in high-school, you were already looking toward college. You knew there was more to life, than just academics.
So, are you done school yet already??? I know, I know. You aren’t. But that’s okay. Right now, you are going to do this honours degree, for your OWN SELF. It isn’t for him. It isn’t for your mom. Or your dad. Or for a job. This is for YOU. And, you will attend your ceremony this time. You will graduate with your head held high. And you will be proud of yourself.
Can you learn to be proud? It’s not who you are. But sometimes, you should be. Pride isn’t the nasty thing everyone makes it out to be. It means you love yourself. And loving yourself, isn’t the nasty thing everyone makes it out to be. You cannot love anyone else in the world, until you love yourself.
And it is time for that.
God is answering your prayers right now. You sat in the truck-stop one night about two weeks ago and for the first time in a long time, you had freedom. And you used your freedom wisely by sitting down, writing to God and praying to Him to help you through these struggles. God is sharing with you the wisdom and knowledge he has to help you through this time. Yes, you are learning things about your ex boyfriend, that you do not want to know. But they are good for you to know. They are part of the healing.
You are not stupid for loving him. You would be stupid however, to think you should still be with him. But you know better today. You know better today, because you are writing this letter to your Self. This means, you are well on your way to healing. And your heart is still broken. It may not be healed for some time. But the Lord is your healer and He is doing it in the small steps you need right now. You are not yet strong enough for the big picture but he is taking you through brush-stroke by brush-stroke and leading you slowly to it. You know, the “it”? The masterpiece? The one you are a part of? You are the beautiful soul depicted in it and everything around you, has its own story. Some parts of the picture are ugly. Others average. And some? Absolutely spectacular! It is your story… and be proud of it.
Take care of yourself, Self.
You deserve it!
Love,
Me.