Dear Martin,

Thank you for being a jerk. Thank you for releasing me from the burden of trying to be the good wife. Thank you for giving me two of the best beings (the cat and the dog) on the planet, to take care of and be responsible for. Thank you for leaving me and going with “her”. I’m sure she’s just as insecure as I was, which makes it easier for me to realise that I have risen above the grasp you had on me.

Indeed, you had your grasp. Your false love. Your false hopes. Your true lies. Deceit.

She will figure it out one day and one day, perhaps you will realise what you do to people. You haven’t figured it out yet — or have you?

Perhaps the day last week when you walked into my sister-in-law’s bakery — flabbergasted upon recognition of who you stumbled upon — when you looked at ordering your wedding cake.

Yes, the Ottawa valley is small. And yes, you forget – that I am from the Ottawa Valley. That my family is from the Ottawa Valley. And that despite ME being 200kms away? You are truly in my territory. Get used to it. If you choose to live there, you choose to live amongst my people. My family. My friends. Myself perhaps, even one day.  I was there first. I was born there. I lived there. I shall live there. And I shall be buried there. Lest you not forget!

But, that fateful entrance into the bakery was not by chance. It was by design. It was by the design of God that you should perchance stumble upon it.

Why?

Because, your guilt and discomfort permeated all around, creating a very awkward feeling. It is with my past life experiences, that people only experience this WHEN they know they’ve done something completely stupid, wrong or retarded. And perhaps guilt at marrying your rebound relationship. Ahhh, yes. You’re getting old. Your biological clock is ticking. But mostly, you found someone who isn’t “threatening” or “superior” to you intellectually and emotionally.  You found your equal or lesser partner.

And for that, I am glad.

God put you there so that *I* would realise that no longer do I care for you. No longer, do I have even the slightest care of what you do or what you feel. In fact, I am glad that someone else gets to clean up your problems. I am glad that you are not a part of my life no longer. I am glad and rejoice in that it is not ME who must deal with your bullshit any longer.  I am glad to be released of you. I am glad that I can finally move on and be free of the oppression you imposed — willingly or unwillingly — upon me.

Good luck with the rest of your tour. Good luck with your wedding. Good luck with your life.

You will need it.

I don’t need it. I do not need luck. I do not need validation from you. I do not need someone else to hold me up, as you do. I am a strong woman. I am Anishnabek. I have two strong legs, a strong mind and a strong heart that get me where I need to go.  I also have a clear conscience.

And with these tools and the support of all my friends and all my family, I will be alright.

And you?

I honestly don’t care if you’ll be alright or not. You’re just six years of my life come — and gone.

Emphasis?

On GONE.

I await the day when I get the money from the house so that I can clear the debt that we BOTH incurred. My name, OUR responsibility. I hope it’s soon. And then I never have to worry about you again.

Sincerely,

Angela

March 7th, 2010 | Category: Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Unintentional, really. The past two months have just really been a ‘blur’ as my physiotherapist said. Time has flown by… everything is pretty much on track for trying to heal, trying to find work, trying to not lose my mind amongst the chaos of what we know as LIFE.

I’m so thrilled that I will maybe have another 10 sessions of physio. I had two left but he is asking for a bit of an extension to help out my nerve in the left arm. I get a bit of numbness every now and again but nothing really significant. It used to be hourly I had the numbness but now I have it maybe once or twice every four or five days and - when it DOES happen - it’s just for a few seconds. So, improvement but not 100% yet! He asked me to put a number on it… I said I’m about 90-95% better.

I managed to start going to the gym again. Why did I stop, do you ask? Well, the month after the accident I was going pretty near every day and I was rockin’ it big! But then I got the sinus-move to the throat-move to the chest cold from hell. Then, as I got “better”, I lost my voice and then had some trouble breathing at night. Turned out to be bronchitis started by the infection/virus from the previous THREE WEEKS. Yes. I’ve been sick for now an entire MONTH and a bit more. This kicked my ass more than the accident did. You can go to the gym when you hurt but you can’t go to the gym when you can’t BREATH.

So, I’ve got some meds to help with the breathing and started going back to the gym this week. I am now at my pre-accident weight (around 221-222) and am just praying I don’t get some of the side-effects from this one medication… a moon face. Faaaan-effin-tastic! But I am only on it for about two weeks so I am hoping that’s not long enough to develop this side-effect! *Fingers crossed*

So far they are working fantastic! I can breath again and have started to go to the gym again. One day I even swam 2.5 kms (1.5 miles) and I could do it without gagging or dying from being unable to breath! My body felt GREAT afterwards and I didn’t think that I’d have much physical problems after. However, the next day or two (and three!) when I went back into the pool, I could really feel it on my knees. It wasn’t enough to stop me from swimming but it was awesome because I know where I need to strengthen in order to swim better, longer and faster! I need to work with my knees and build some muscle and flexibility in those areas. Oddly enough (and surprisingly but very welcomed!) , I had no upper-body issues! I say it’s “odd” because, I am an arms-only swimmer a lot of the time. This means, I don’t use my legs to “kick”…. I’ve got some very good leg strength but they are useless for flutter kicks!! Instead, I stay with my ’strong’ reliable stroke of breast-stroke. Most of my 100 laps consisted of using this stroke. It’s one that I can breath well with, that I can maintain a consistent pace and that I can do comfortably for long periods. If you recall, I tried to do a breast-stroke lap about a week after the accident… and two weeks after the accident, and I couldn’t. I managed to eek out 100 of them after NOT exercising for an entire month! I was pretty stoked!

I do have to admit, I’ve been a bit… sad the past few days. Well, maybe sad isn’t the word. How about Frustrated? Yes, Frustrated is a much better word. I am two full months behind schedule and April 1 is literally JUST around the corner.  I’m not giving up — though I feel I want to — but I want to do things different this time. I do not want to fail at things. I’m tired of failure. I’m tired of being the fat girl. I want to be the fit girl!!!!

I will soon have a private post up with a before/current picture. (I don’t want to say after because, I’m not done yet!)  If you do not have the current password, just leave a message and I’ll send it to you!

What’s new with you guys???’

I haven’t heard from some of you for a while! Still alive out there?

March 1st, 2010 | Category: Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Last night I got home around 12:30 in the morning. I had a lot on my mind and knew I couldn’t sleep. I went through my boxes to find a VHS tape of ANY kind so that I could perhaps play it and with hopes, fall asleep to it.

I found the movie, Keeping the Faith. Appropriate. Faith has been a subject in my life that has been of much discussion of late… and especially last night. About half-way through the movie, the priest gave a little sermon that had the following within it:

The truth is, I don’t really learn that much about your faith by asking questions like that… because those aren’t really questions about faith, those are questions about religion. And it’s very important to understand the difference between religion and faith. Because faith is not about having the right answers. Faith is a feeling. Faith is a hunch, really. It’s a hunch that there is something bigger connecting it all… connecting us all together. And that feeling, that hunch, is God. And coming here tonight, on your Sunday evening… to connect with that feeling, that is an act of faith. And so all I have to do is look around the room at this packed church… to know that we’re doing pretty well as a community.

I had arrived late home because I spent part of the evening with my friend. Her baby — we’ll name Pumpkin on here — was in hospital and not doing very well. She was born with some challenges and it was just a miracle she survived through pregnancy. My friend was recommended to terminate her pregnancy as late as the eight month and likely, they would have kept recommending it except she showed awesome strength and a faith in God, to go through with everything. Pumpkin survived childbirth — though barely — but my friends love and patience and faith in God, had Pumpkin healthy enough to come home within a week. Yes, she had some health challenges but WHAT A TROOPER. I never heard my friend complain and I know that Pumpkin never complained either. They were inseparable and barely a moment of the past three months went by where they weren’t together. Yes, the baby who barely survived pregnancy and childbirth and the moments afterwards? Lived for three awesome months. Early this morning, she went to be with her heavenly father who will continue to take care of her until one day, she is reunited with her mom.

I’m not a baby person. I don’t even know how to HOLD a baby… but I held Pumpkin and fell in love with her. I also grew an awesome respect for my friend — which was always there — but increased ten-fold, by the love and compassion she had for her child. Knowing that each and every moment was a gift from God, she lived each day to the fullest with Pumpkin. We spoke often of faith and how she felt about her situation. I won’t go into it here, it’s private. But… those two were destined for one another.

My friend has had a very hard year. She was a single-parent mom and through faith — and faith alone — did the most awesomest job I have EVER seen anyone do.

Pumpkin? You were so very loved… not just by your mom but every single person you came into contact with.

My friend? You are the best mother with the most open and caring heart, I have ever met. If I am blessed with a child, I hope to be half the mom you are.

Last night, I cried most of the night. I cried not for the loss that I was scared would come… but because I prayed SO hard for a miracle to take place. I prayed for Pumpkin to get better. But at the end of my prayer, I prayed for God to perform His miracle. And, it was at that time I realised, He already did.

Pumpkin was a miracle and one that I witnessed. I saw joy. I saw faith in action. I saw God through the presence of the connections He created with her being with us.

I intend on working towards my faith through strengthening it… but most important? I plan on Keeping the Faith.

Pumpkin? I’ll keep my eye on your mom and try to help however I can. And, to my friend… I’ll try to be there no matter what you need me for. I promise.

February 15th, 2010 | Category: Uncategorized | Comments (1)

This time last year, I was sitting on my couch up in the middle of no-where, where I had just come home from a regular day at work at the job I had just started at work. Except, this wasn’t your average day. No sirreeeeeee…. Instead? I had two students who were in grade 7, point a gun at me and swing a machete. Fun stuff. I had decided at that very moment that teaching very most definitely was NOT where I should be.

Nope.

I knew then I was meant to be a soldier. A few other things have confirmed that over the months for me. Also, I left home one year and two weeks ago to try and make a better life for Martin and I. Instead? The ungrateful bastard took that as an opportunity to screw around on me and thus, end our six year relationship.

Not only did that all happen to me in my classroom as a result of trying to make our lives better? I was thanked with his unfaithfulness. Nice.

Classy. Real classy.

And now here I am, a year later…. life in upheaval, and the such — it’s quite easy to want to every now and again, feel like a big ol’ complete miserable failure.

Alas, I’m not the failure in these things. I survived without going into a deep depression the classroom incident. I survived without going into a deep depression Martin’s inability to be a man. I survived (thus far) living in quasi-homelessness and having to spend the past few months living at my mom’s. This is not the ideal location for me.

My friend has offered to let me stay with her and I very much would have loved to do so. However, her apartment is just a bit too small for both of us — with all our belongings and both of our pets — and I just wished it was a bit bigger. I know I need to regain my freedom, my ability to live my own life again. I just can’t afford to do it on my own. Sadly, she is also thinking of heading south which would leave me without a roommate. It makes for a very hard time, where you know you could be living a bit better but certain things just stop you from doing so.

Meh.

I’m holding out a strong hope that things will work out again… so far I’m able to pay my bills. So far, I am avoiding depression. So far, I’ve even managed to lose 40-some pounds the past year.

But things could be better. And I’m praying so hard that they will turn around.

Things need to turn around for me soon.

Please keep me in your thoughts over the next while. I don’t ask for help often so, I would appreciate it.

February 13th, 2010 | Category: Uncategorized | Leave a comment