Hey folks,

Sorry for the sporadic postings. I haven’t been in much of a mood to post. The options were, “write while in a crappy mood” or, “Write when you’re in a better mood” or “write when you’re in a GREAT mood!”

I’m in the “better” mood right now. Not a great mood, not a crappy mood… just… an ‘okay’ mood.

Waiting for the army to approve my medical is taking forever, and I don’t have “forever”.  I only have 20 days maximum!!! That’s when the three-week course begins.  And it’s starting to become discouraging. And I need to keep positive, no matter how hard it is right now.

Anyways, I am on my way out and need to be somewhere in about 45 minutes so this will be just a quick entry. I just wanted to let y’all know I’m almost out of the 240’s… I weighed in at 240.2 today and maybe … just maybe tomorrow, I will be in the 230’s… which is a huge psychological barrier for me.

*fingers crossed*

August 31st, 2009 | Category: Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Days like today, I realise how little I really meant to Martin. Without going into details, I know how quickly I was “dismissed” as he found a new muse to be with. I hope he doesn’t mess her up as much as he messed me up.

Days like today, I really don’t want another relationship with another person EVER.

Days like today, I really just want to kick his ass.

Days like today, I really know he’s not worth the effort to kick his ass.

Days like today, when I return to the house, I get pissed off because he neglects the house. My blood, sweat and tears went into this house too. It’s like, a double-slap to the face.

Days like today, I wished I had a job so that I could pay for this house and not have to deal with moving my stuff out of the house I love so much…  and that HE could just f-off and go live with his new muse.

Days like today, I want to tell him about the premonition I have of his upcoming tour in Afghanistan.

Days like today, I know I wouldn’t because I’m too nice of a person.  Frig me, being nice and all. How come I’m nice? I shouldn’t be.

Days like today, I’m slowly growing weary and just want to cry.

Days like today, I wish I was a thousand miles away.

Days like today, I’m glad I wasn’t in a physically abusive relationship.

Days like today, I wished I was in a relationship where someone treated me well. Really well.  

Days like today, I wished I could turn back the clock 6 years and make another choice of who I was to date… I picked Martin when I should have picked Reg.

Days like today, I wouldn’t wish for anything different.

Days like today, I feel schizophrenic in my thinking… half-hazard thoughts scattered in a million places.

Days like today, I’m glad I’m not schizophrenic.

Days like today, I’m glad my friend in Italy invited me to go over for a visit.

Days like today, I hate having so much debt that I can’t take her up on her offer.

Days like today, I wished I was a stronger person.

Days like today, I wished I wasn’t so strong of a person.

Days like today, I wished I stood up for myself much sooner.

Days like today, I wish I could wrap myself up in a cocoon.

Days like today, I wish I could emerge and be free as a butterfly…

Days like today, I wish I could tell Martin’s parents how rude and insensitive they are and how I gave my entire self to ensuring his happiness and well being the past six years. The things they have said, make me realise that the apple didn’t fall far from the tree and Martin acted exactly how they act.

Days like today, I’m glad I have the love of my mother who always knows the right thing to say… even when I don’t want to hear it.

Days like today, I am grateful for my friends all over the world… who have supported me.

Days like today, I am grateful for my friend Claudia, who invited me to go on a vacation with her and her children because she knows how badly I need one.

Days like today, I’m frustrated the army is taking so darned long in letting me know if I can go on the three-week course or not.

Days like today, I am tempted to sign up for my fourth-year of university to just finish it once and for all…

Days like today, I wish I could put on my running shoes and just run for hours, in the forest and be free…

Days like today, I’m glad I am cuddling on the couch with my cat and my dog and having a good cry as I type this.

Days like today, I’m frustrated with the government and the injustices it has done.

Days like today, I’m empowered because I’m in the process of bringing change to the nation.

Days like today, I wished I was back in highschool and could make better decisions.

Days like today, will always happen. And there’s nothing I can do about it. And, today — will eventually fade into a yesterday… and tomorrow will quickly come by again. A new day to make new changes, new choices, new decisions.

And the cycle continues. But with each cycle, opportunity to make an attempt at turning things around.

August 29th, 2009 | Category: Uncategorized | Comments (2)

(I started to write this sometime in the past two weeks when I was still at the house, I am now back north…. but, much of it is still applicable. I won’t edit what I started but will finish it off.)

I’m so edgey right now, I NEED to get to the gym. Coming back to this place for the last two weeks, has sucked. It’s a constant reminder of what I won’t have… and all my “home comforts” aren’t quite so comforting anymore. It’s a bit on the depressing side but I’m not depressed. Au contraire. I’m anxious to just get living on with life. I’ve had enough of the bullcrap and I just want to get going. Right now I’m just waiting to hear back from the army and praying, praying, praying to God I can take that course. You have NO idea how badly I want to go on it. No idea!

I’ve just been reading up that I can reapply after six months waiting time so that would always give me the opportunity to keep losing weight if things don’t work out. *sigh* Also, those six months would bring us almost to April, when the trades open up and I can have a better shot at getting what I want. *sigh* I just don’t want to wait, I want to hurry up and live my life. C’mon!!!!!!

(New stuff from today)

Grateful that I have been approved for a membership at the local Y under an assistance program. I hate having to ask for help but I need to get healthy in order to get this job…  so I’ll really be making the best of the membership over the upcoming weeks. I’ll be going every day and making the most of it… tomorrow I plan to do a swim so that should be good! I can’t wait… time to release some of this stress I have.

Getting on with life, isn’t so easy sometimes. Good days. Bad days. Inbetween days. Days where you just want to crawl in to a hole and die. Days where you could climb to the top of the mountain and scream how relieved you are that it’s over with.

I’m taking things day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute….

August 24th, 2009 | Category: Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I’ve been working on some pretty crazy shit lately and that — along with my recent life turmoil — am reminded how much exists out there in the world beyond the little bubble we all conveniently place ourselves into.

Sometimes the basics that we are so used to having — IE, a roof over our head, food on our table and a bed — are taken for granted. You especially notice this, when you have one, or two, or three of those missing.

You also realise how selfish other people can be. And this makes me nauseous, thinking of how insensitive others are. I pride myself in helping others so it’s quite disturbing when I see someone abuse others mentally, emotionally, financially, spiritually, etc.

Sometimes you need to take the big step forward and get outside of your bubble. You need to see there’s more to life than what you know.

Sometimes it’s scary and disturbing.

Sometimes it’s exhilarating and awesome. 

Sometimes it’s just plain necessary!

Pop that bubble…

August 22nd, 2009 | Category: Uncategorized | Leave a comment