I started writing this entry called The Lowest Common Denominator because I’m having the shittiest of days today.  I’ve decided to call off things with those two guys I met this week because I’m not in a place where I can deal with my own shit plus the shit of others. See? I told you, shittiest of days.

Two good guys and I let ‘em go. They have enough of their own problems, they don’t need mine. And vice versa.

So, my entry was originally going to be about how in every instance of things going wrong around me, that the lowest common denominator was yours truly… me.

But, as I was writing I was thinking… this has to change. I can’t do this to myself. I can’t expect others to love me if I can’t stand my own self.

And thus, the self-imposed one-year moratorium was enacted. I will wait until September of next year, until I even bother looking for someone. This next year, has to be about ME. I am always putting others in front of me… taking the brunt of whatever comes for others. I usually end up in a worse way and just suck it up, because I’m benevolent.

Sometimes, benevolence can just go and suck it.

So, I decided instead to write a entry about Call and Answer.  It’s more positive and I’ve made this promise to myself to  Waste Not One Day. A wasted day is any day that I don’t feel good about myself. I’ve had enough of those I think, to last ten lifetimes, at least.

Ready?

How about you play this video while reading… kinda sorta an interactive entry I choose the video with two of my three favourite artists… Barenaked Ladies and Alanis Morrisette and Canadians to boot!! Sorry about the fact it’s only snapshots but - there was no actual video from that concert Press play and continue… (I’m bossy, eh?)

Call and Answer.

Right now this is one of my most favourite songs to listen to. It makes me cry. It makes me laugh. It makes me smile. It makes me sad. It makes me happy. It makes me want to sing. It makes me want to crawl up into a hole in the fetal position. It also makes me feel alive. It gives me a lot of feelings…

Several months ago after the big ol’ break-up, this came on the CD player as I was driving. I literally had to stop the car and just cry. I cried my weeeeeee baby eyes out. I played it three times. It was an awesome emotional release.

At the time, I pictured Martin singing the song to me (in the Barenaked Ladies solo version, obviously it’s just the male singing)… as though I was the one who would break down communications, that I was the failure, that I was the one who destroyed the relationship, that any hope of rebuilding a friendship, would be my fault for not happening.

I accepted that as truth.

When you accept something like that as truth that is false, it messes with ya. But when you slowly sort through things, you begin to realise that you ARE worthy of things.

And, I know that this happened at some point — without me even really realising it — was when I was running the other night, after finding out Martin became engaged. I was giving the run my best shot and hoped the anger would give me an awesome best time.

But the problem was? The anger never came. I was at peace with it… and in my last three minutes of the run, this song came up in the playlist.

Call and Answer. 

I think it’s getting to the point
Where I can be myself again
I think it’s getting to the point
Where we have almost made amends
I think it’s the getting to the point
That is the hardest part.

And suddenly, I was the singer and it was being sung from my perspective.

And if you call, I will answer
And if you fall, I’ll pick you up
And if you court this disaster
I’ll point you home

And suddenly, I was the one in control of the situation. Don’t bring me hardship but don’t be afraid to call just for the sake of saying hello.  

You think I only think about you
When we’re both in the same room
You think I’m only here to witness
The remains of love exhumed
You think were here to play
A game of who loves more than whom

And suddenly, I realise that he too thinks about me. I know he wants me to have the best in life. I know he knows that I want him to have the best of life for him. It’s okay to want this. It’s okay for us to have anger now and again. It’s okay to accept and recognise that 6 years of your life was spent with this person and it wasn’t always bad. But now, the past remains in the past… and our futures are wide open. 

And if you call, I will answer
And if you fall, I’ll pick you up
And if you court this disaster
I’ll point you home

And suddenly, I know it will be okay. 

You think it’s only fair to do what’s
Best for you and you alone
You think it’s only fair to do the same
To me when you’re not home
I think it’s time to make this something that is
More than only fair

And suddenly, I am reminded that sometimes in our new lives, we become ’selfish’ and do things that may knowling or unwittingly hurt the other.  Sometimes, we need to make sure that in our quest to move forward, we don’t hurt the other too much. We gave so much of our selves in the past, why let it destroy our dignity, our integrity… let’s be adults about this. Let’s move forward.  

So if you call, I will answer
And if you fall, I’ll pick you up
And if you court this disaster
I’ll point you home.

And suddenly, I know it will be okay. 

But I’m warning you, don’t ever do
Those crazy, messed up things that you do
If you ever do
I promise you I’ll be the first to crucify you
Now it’s time to prove that you’ve come back
Here to rebuild.

And suddenly, I’m reminded to take care of my self… to take care of what is important to me. And that my friends? Is my soul. My heart. My mind. My spirit. My Self.  While I wish the very best for you in the future, don’t screw things up for me. Don’t intentionally be malicious. Don’t bring me down with whatever crazy things you’re doing in your life. I’ve been taken down before. I don’t deserve it again. And I’m strong enough emotionally and spiritually, to move forth and not let you drag me down.

Call and Answer. 

Getting to this point isn’t easy my friends. But when I ran that night? I knew that I cared enough about myself to respect my self as a person. My past self is important. My current self is important. And my future self, is important.

I am important.

Anyways, I’m moving forth. And just to end this entry, I would like to play you an Alanis Morrisette song that also makes me feel good. It’s a bit sad, I know. But it’s also hopeful. She is working through her issues, as do I.

It’s all good.

September 7th, 2009 | Category: Uncategorized, Video | Comments (2)