First insomnia night, in a long time…
Last night I worked until about 2:30 am and wanted to get to sleep so I could keep working on the freelance job I’m doing right now. I’m already behind due to computer issues, not being able to find my stuff because it’s stored in my locker somewhere and blah blah blah….
Anyways, 4:30 rolls around and I still can’t sleep. I go online. I’m searching for someone in particular. Julia. It pays to have friends who live about 6 hours ahead of you in timezones! Plus, it pays to have someone who is a great friend and listens when you need it.
See, I started to cry somewhere between 3:30 and 4:00. Big ol’ slobbery sobs of tears. I was sad because Martin hasn’t called me before he was deployed and I don’t even know WHEN he’s going. Yes, we aren’t together. But I still love him as a human being and want to wish him well on his travels. I feel sad because he didn’t make the effort he promised to see the animals. They still look for him but the longer he does this, the less they look for him.
And that kind of breaks my heart too… not because of HIM but because my dear babes are forgetting their daddy.
Mention my animals and that just BRINGS ME TO TEARS. I love them to pieces and I’m so grateful that I have both of them right now in my life. I’d be in a much different place right now emotionally, if I didn’t have them with me. They have such an awesome spirit and sense of humour and… a compassion beyond compare. In my giant sobs, Uma crawled up onto the bed and started to kiss the tears away. Mocha, le ‘tit monstre (little monster) even came up and cuddled.
That’s when I opened up the laptop and sent my SOS to Italy. Thankfully Julia was online and we chatted for a bit.
We came to the conclusion I don’t love martin (other than just a friend), that his priorities are different and to just not have any expectations of him. It’s sad to think he’s no longer capable of meeting basic expectations but really, he has a new family and the old just doesn’t matter any more to him.
But - that doesn’t mean I’m not worthy… it just means I’m not important anymore, to him. Sadly, the animals either. But we’ll be okay.
Julia said I’m still in mourning. Perhaps. Obviously he isn’t… but, I’ve made the choice back in September to not date anyone for an entire year. My one-year moratorium. You know what? I think it’s probably going to be the best thing for me… I’m still re-discovering who I am. For example, Kickboxing??? WHO FREAKIN’ KNEW I LIKED TO PUNCH THINGS??? AND KICKING THINGS? Lordy!!!
I need my new mind, my new body and my spirit which is being rekindled. I can’t involve someone else in my life until I figure out things… until I figure out truly who I am!
We also got talking about my latest pictures of progress.
I’m just paraphrasing here and I’m sure she won’t mind me sharing this with you…
“What a difference! And, I’m glad you aren’t the sad looking girl from May anymore… your face is so pretty with the weight loss and cute!”
(I’d like to add she said I was a hot, sexy, foxy babe but that’s just taking the artistic license of paraphrasing too far!)
I have other May 2009 photos but I intentionally leave that one there. The May 2008 and 2009 photos are roughly the same weight but definitely, am not the same person emotionally. I did that on purpose. May 2009 I had just come back from New York. Martin suggested me and him go up to my mom’s cottage for the weekend. He acted as though NOTHING was wrong and on the outside, it looked like we could probably work things out. But I knew then that for damn sure, I did not want to. He was being very two-faced with the people I love… I don’t know WHY he wanted to go to the cottage so badly. But his constant changing and shifting, I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. That kind of thing comes with dealing with 28 high-needs kids and your tolerance for bullshit, becomes NIL.
I keep that picture because I am truly miserablethere. I came back from New York where I had a chance to see the outside world again. I had a chance to see that life is greater and more than just what I was forced into my little bubble back in Petawawa. I was capableof doing much more with my life, than sitting around being some guys pawn … someone who just wanted someone to clean house for him and provide support for him, while he goes and breaks his word repeatedly and can’t commit to anything. I was tired of being someone’s freakin’ cheerleader and not getting any LOVE and RESPECT back in return. I was tired of being played. I was tired of being the fat girl. I was tired of allowing HIM to play with my emotions.
That picture? At that exact point? I asked him to take it. And going through my mind at that moment was, “This is NOT the life I am going to live. This is the LAST photo where I look like this. NO MORE. MY LIFE WILL BE MINE AGAIN. I will live A LIFE WITH NO REGRETS.”
Honest to God, those were my thoughts – indelibly marked.
So, when Julia mentioned that last night I knew that it was important I remind myself of that… that I remind myself that he can no longer control or play with my thoughts and emotions. Do you think he sits in bed late at night and cries? No. Do you think he really cares about me? No. So, why should I allow him to waste a single moment more of my lifetime? Isn’t six years long enough to have ‘wasted’? It is time that *I* continue to put myself first and foremost, that I take care of ME and my darling little fur-baby family. They may be the only family I have, I need to continue to live a HAPPY life with them. I need to continue losing weight. I need to continue working towards my dream job! I need to continue to LIVE FOR ME.
Sometimes, I need those reminders.
The November 2009 photo shows a more determined person. I’m not smiling intentionally in that picture but here ya go!
I definitely AM more happier (even though I do have the odd day where I remember I’m living in my mommy’s house in a room with my cat and dog and that six months ago I had a house and privacy and a jacuzzi tub but I quickly remind myself, I lived with an asshole too)… Folk? I ain’t EVER going back to that old miserable May 2009 girl. I’m determined to live a happier life, a more productive life… with or without someone… and to live this life without regrets.
Here is what I’m gonna do in 2010.
I’m going to go parachuting. I’m also going to go bungee jumping. I’m going to go rapelling again. I’m going to learn to drive a motorcycle. And, I’m joining the Canadian Freakin’ Armed Forces as a SOLDIER. I’m going to set big goals for myself… no more regretting. If I want to do something? I’m going to do it. I’m not going to have ANYTHING stop me from doing what I want to do…
… and I won’t waste one, single more tear on Martin. The reason it’s so fresh right now, is this week he’s going to Afghanistan, which has only been bringing up these issues. I haven’t cried about him for a while, so it’s good. But, right now? Enough is enough. No matter WHAT happens in the future, not another wasted tear…
NO REGRETS.
