Last night I got home around 12:30 in the morning. I had a lot on my mind and knew I couldn’t sleep. I went through my boxes to find a VHS tape of ANY kind so that I could perhaps play it and with hopes, fall asleep to it.

I found the movie, Keeping the Faith. Appropriate. Faith has been a subject in my life that has been of much discussion of late… and especially last night. About half-way through the movie, the priest gave a little sermon that had the following within it:

The truth is, I don’t really learn that much about your faith by asking questions like that… because those aren’t really questions about faith, those are questions about religion. And it’s very important to understand the difference between religion and faith. Because faith is not about having the right answers. Faith is a feeling. Faith is a hunch, really. It’s a hunch that there is something bigger connecting it all… connecting us all together. And that feeling, that hunch, is God. And coming here tonight, on your Sunday evening… to connect with that feeling, that is an act of faith. And so all I have to do is look around the room at this packed church… to know that we’re doing pretty well as a community.

I had arrived late home because I spent part of the evening with my friend. Her baby — we’ll name Pumpkin on here — was in hospital and not doing very well. She was born with some challenges and it was just a miracle she survived through pregnancy. My friend was recommended to terminate her pregnancy as late as the eight month and likely, they would have kept recommending it except she showed awesome strength and a faith in God, to go through with everything. Pumpkin survived childbirth — though barely — but my friends love and patience and faith in God, had Pumpkin healthy enough to come home within a week. Yes, she had some health challenges but WHAT A TROOPER. I never heard my friend complain and I know that Pumpkin never complained either. They were inseparable and barely a moment of the past three months went by where they weren’t together. Yes, the baby who barely survived pregnancy and childbirth and the moments afterwards? Lived for three awesome months. Early this morning, she went to be with her heavenly father who will continue to take care of her until one day, she is reunited with her mom.

I’m not a baby person. I don’t even know how to HOLD a baby… but I held Pumpkin and fell in love with her. I also grew an awesome respect for my friend — which was always there — but increased ten-fold, by the love and compassion she had for her child. Knowing that each and every moment was a gift from God, she lived each day to the fullest with Pumpkin. We spoke often of faith and how she felt about her situation. I won’t go into it here, it’s private. But… those two were destined for one another.

My friend has had a very hard year. She was a single-parent mom and through faith — and faith alone — did the most awesomest job I have EVER seen anyone do.

Pumpkin? You were so very loved… not just by your mom but every single person you came into contact with.

My friend? You are the best mother with the most open and caring heart, I have ever met. If I am blessed with a child, I hope to be half the mom you are.

Last night, I cried most of the night. I cried not for the loss that I was scared would come… but because I prayed SO hard for a miracle to take place. I prayed for Pumpkin to get better. But at the end of my prayer, I prayed for God to perform His miracle. And, it was at that time I realised, He already did.

Pumpkin was a miracle and one that I witnessed. I saw joy. I saw faith in action. I saw God through the presence of the connections He created with her being with us.

I intend on working towards my faith through strengthening it… but most important? I plan on Keeping the Faith.

Pumpkin? I’ll keep my eye on your mom and try to help however I can. And, to my friend… I’ll try to be there no matter what you need me for. I promise.

February 15th, 2010 | Category: Uncategorized | Comments (1)

This time last year, I was sitting on my couch up in the middle of no-where, where I had just come home from a regular day at work at the job I had just started at work. Except, this wasn’t your average day. No sirreeeeeee…. Instead? I had two students who were in grade 7, point a gun at me and swing a machete. Fun stuff. I had decided at that very moment that teaching very most definitely was NOT where I should be.

Nope.

I knew then I was meant to be a soldier. A few other things have confirmed that over the months for me. Also, I left home one year and two weeks ago to try and make a better life for Martin and I. Instead? The ungrateful bastard took that as an opportunity to screw around on me and thus, end our six year relationship.

Not only did that all happen to me in my classroom as a result of trying to make our lives better? I was thanked with his unfaithfulness. Nice.

Classy. Real classy.

And now here I am, a year later…. life in upheaval, and the such — it’s quite easy to want to every now and again, feel like a big ol’ complete miserable failure.

Alas, I’m not the failure in these things. I survived without going into a deep depression the classroom incident. I survived without going into a deep depression Martin’s inability to be a man. I survived (thus far) living in quasi-homelessness and having to spend the past few months living at my mom’s. This is not the ideal location for me.

My friend has offered to let me stay with her and I very much would have loved to do so. However, her apartment is just a bit too small for both of us — with all our belongings and both of our pets — and I just wished it was a bit bigger. I know I need to regain my freedom, my ability to live my own life again. I just can’t afford to do it on my own. Sadly, she is also thinking of heading south which would leave me without a roommate. It makes for a very hard time, where you know you could be living a bit better but certain things just stop you from doing so.

Meh.

I’m holding out a strong hope that things will work out again… so far I’m able to pay my bills. So far, I am avoiding depression. So far, I’ve even managed to lose 40-some pounds the past year.

But things could be better. And I’m praying so hard that they will turn around.

Things need to turn around for me soon.

Please keep me in your thoughts over the next while. I don’t ask for help often so, I would appreciate it.

February 13th, 2010 | Category: Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Four minutes ago, I made one last payment on a looming loan from six years ago. I went into overdraft to pay the bloody thing off ($500+) but lemme tell you…. how SWEET does it feel to get the bloody thing paid off. Plus, paying off the loan from my old car this week? That was nice too.

But, I still have A LOT of consumer debt and education debt to pay off.

I’m going to guess I have about $70 000 in debt.

Lucky me.

It’s overwhelming and I can’t believe I’ve paid already, large chunks of it off.

And what do I have to show for it?

Not much.

It’s pretty sad.

In the car the other day, my mom was like, “I made $17 000 last year and what do I have to show for it?”

Fortunately, she has no debt. But she doesn’t have any money either. She works hard to break even. She buys stuff she doesn’t need (think kitsch!)…

But, she’s at that point where she WANTS to save for her future. Buy RRSPs… stuff like that.

What do I have?

Not a whole lot. I’ve got about $22 000 in retirement socked away. I’ve got a crapload of education that I have no way of paying off.

This army stuff HAS to pull through. I *WANT* this debt paid off within 3 years. That’s my goal. In three years? I want to be completely debt-free.

How nice would that be?

And I want my next vehicle? I want to buy it cash upfront.

And, I vow to NEVER use credit again.

That’s my goal.

To make things worse? Four years ago, I had exactly 0$ in credit card debt. Now? It’s almost $40 000. That includes two years of school… and four years of not having a good job or any job or… whatever. You know. Bad choices.

I’m taking responsibility TODAY… from this point forward… to NOT buy a single more thing on credit.

Never again!!! If I don’t have the cash? I don’t buy it. The only thing I WILL dip into credit for, is if I need to make a car or insurance payment. Those are my only two “outgoing” things right now (plus my phone but I can hold off on those payments sometimes). And, if I do have to dip into the credit for it? I will make sure that the payment that month on the credit cards, accounts for EXTRA $$ to make up for it. I won’t go any more into debt, EVER.

Got that?

EVER.

Amen.

February 6th, 2010 | Category: Uncategorized | Comments (3)